The death of me....

I am no longer concerned about my cancer being the cause of my demise…… I’m beginning to believe that my financial stressors and raising teenagers will get me first. Seriously. What goes on inside the minds of teenagers?! What would possess a 16 year old to steadily argue with an 8 year old? A 15 year old to constantly get a thrill out of aggravating his sisters and getting them completely into “drama mode”? Oh, and of course there is the “life would be so much easier on my own” mentality! Really, I say lets try it then. My 16 year old daughter is in the “my life sucks” stage. Why does it suck, you wonder. Well, because she doesn’t have a boyfriend at the moment and she’s not allowed to do what she wants, when she wants. Oh, and because she gets “stuck” babysitting her 2 younger sisters on away football games…..like tomorrow. Hence, the super bad attitude. Now my 15 year old son has no issues with being single. He actually prefers it. No, his life “sucks” because HE brought home a C on his progress report and of course we are the “evil ones” for taking away his XBOX. Go figure.

Nope the mind of a teenager is a very strange thing. Its very “me, myself and I”. Don’t get me wrong. I know my children have had to endure quite a bit over the past couple of years. Life changed a lot for all of us after I got sick. Money is extremely tight and because of that there is a lot that they miss out on. We cant afford to do a lot of the things their friends can. I’m penny pinching all the time. We rarely have any left over after bills and when we do….we use if for things they need (notice I said NEED not want).

So I get attitude or better yet, sometimes just flat out ignored, as I go about the house (usually doing their chores) and contemplate climbing up on the roof and jumping. With my luck though, I would break a few bones and would then live to hear “ Just great Mom! Now look what you did! Told you my life sucks!” from at least one of them……..

Aaaah.....

All is well. The house is a mess...Paint, ribbon and poster boards still clutter my dining room from the big game last night. Dishes from dinner fill the sink. A weeks worth of laundry sit in baskets waiting to be folded. My 2 youngest girls added to the mess by deciding to disect their pumpkins, why, Im not sure. They didn't want to carve them for decorating purpose, NO, they literally disected them. Were the expecting to find something miraculous in there? Now they are entertaining me with a "play". My oldest has decided to hold herself up in her room (dodging the dinner dishes, Im sure) and my 15 year old son is "annoyed" with me for talking to his "not girlfriend" (would they just make it official and go out already)on Facebook. The heating pad has been my best friend today (just like every other) and I can't help but think " Yup, its been a good day". :)

Its official....

This is going to be my one and only blog. I started this blog like 2 years ago when I got over zealous with the whole blogging thing. I had my badboobie.com and loved it so I thought "what the heck...let's start another one!" Uuum ok. That worked out well. I would post on here, then forget I have it, then remember, post and forget again. Thats how my mind works....between the "Fibro Fog" and the Chemo killing any (and just about all) my working brain cells, it's a miracle that I can still function everyday. Well, badboobie.com is unavailable to me at this time ( I dont have any of the info since I didnt open the account) and although I will continue to try and atleast get access to transfer all my posts over to here.....Im basically "sh*t outta luck" at the moment when it comes to that site. So, now that this will be my "one and only" let's see if I can remember to post more than a few times a year. LOL

Second time this month......

I'm trying to make it so that I blog more than once or twice a month. Time just goes by so fast and the next thing I know, weeks have gone by and I haven't been on. I remember the days when I would rarely miss a day of posting....which reminds me, Im super ticked at the moment. I can not for the life of me get to my www.badboobie.com website. That was the blog my bestie, Heather, started for me when I was first diagnosed. I posted just about everyday. I have so much on that site.....and now I have NO access. Im seriously aggrivated and of course with my NON-computer skills...I doubt I will ever figure it out. Im not the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to this stuff. Shoot, I'm not the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to most stuff. I mean, seriously, Im the woman who will search the whole house looking for my phone while Im talking on it.

Fort Mill "pink out"

I had tried to post a link to the CN2 website, but of course, It didnt work for me. Why am I so computer illiterate? I mean really? One of these days I will figure this whole cyber stuff out. Until then, I will be happy with my ability to atleast use facebook and post (with out links) on my blog. :)

In a daze....

I've been walking around here for the past few days in a daze.  Walking around with that punched in the gut, broken hearted feeling all over me.  Once again, I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me......  I'm not sure how to deal with it.  I've been praying. Praying for this feeling to go away.  Praying for him to stop breaking my heart.  Praying that at some point I will be enough for him.....  This repetative cycle of betrayal is draining me. It's draining all of me....all that I wanted to be....  I'm not sure if I have any fight left in me.  Constantly fighting for my marriage, for love, for my life.  Fighting lies, deceit, pain, cancer. When can I stop fighting....when can I just BE?

Heather Headley - I Wish I Wasn't

The power of words....

I read this today.....

"Sometimes in life you’re faced with tremendous pressure, a pressure so unbelievable, so overwhelming that before you can enjoy the highs, you’re faced with the lows. God has a purpose and plan for your life and you, like Jesus, can ride through the biggest challenge of your life and rise victorious!"  ~T.D. Jakes

I needed to be reminded of that today. 

Yesterday.....

My JV boys lost last night.  I get so emotionaly charged at these games.  It broke my heart to watch them come apart.  My son had another amazing night though......and Im so proud of him.  I would like to see the team have another amazing night, though, too.  The first game of the season they won by a blow out....and they all just flowed together as a team.....The only thing I know to do to help....is pray.  So I have been.  Tonight, its off to Clover for the Varsity game.  Tonight, I pray, that not only does my son have a great night....but that the whole team does as well.  These boys deserve to have marks in the win column!

Almost Thursday......

Thursday is almost here. Why am I looking forward to Thursday?  Well, for anyone who knows me well, you know that watching my son play football is a big part of me keeping my sanity.  This year I get to watch him play in two games a week.  JV on Thursday....Varsity on Friday.   I am Big fan of  football.  An even bigger fan of my sons.  Put the two together.....I'm in Heaven! LOL  Don't get me wrong.  I am a huge fan of all my kids.  I love all of them with all that I am.  All four of them are my reason for living, for being.   But when I'm at his games....none of the stresses of my life are anywhere around.  There's no cancer.  No Fibromyalgia. No financial woes.  Just the smell of the grass.  The sound of the whistles.  The clapping of fans. The band playing.  My son on the field........

A new day.....

For so long now I have been angry, distressed, depressed and unsure of what my life has become. Im tired. Im tired of feeling this way. Im tired of feeling like I dont belong in this town and I dont fit in. Maybe, Im not suppossed to. I used to have a big beautiful house and a newer car. I owned my own business and money wasnt so tight......but none of that matters now. Ive come to realize that all those things did not make me who I am. To have suffered at the hands of physical, emotional, sexual abuse and rape  (all at a young age)..... and still be standing....thats part of who I am. Getting Cancer and continuing to fight it.....thats part of who I am. Having to close my business to fight this disease....leaving behind that fancy house and car....yet still being able to provide a loving home for my children....thats a part of who I am. To share in the loss of my husbands parents.....holding on to their memories and all they taught me.....thats a part of who I am. To have so many obstacles and hurdles in my marriage....yet still be together 18 years later....thats a part of who I am. To be able to walk another day....thats part of who I am. Having God in my life.....the biggest part of who I am.

I cant say that I will no longer have days were I may feel lost and alone....but when I do....I will come back to this post and be reminded of just who I am.

A wife, a mother, a fighter and a survivor..... A woman who now realizes that God loves me and has not only walked with me through all of this.....but he has carried me through it.

Wow.....

I havent been on here in FOREVER. It only took me about 2 hours to get logged back in. I couldnt remember my email I used....my password....even my username. I was starting to tweak. LOL So much has happened since I was last on here. I dont even know where to begin. I do know that I am happy to finally be logged back on. Writing on this blog was so good for me and I think maybe its time I get back to doing it. It doesnt even matter if anyone reads it. It's just having a place to release that really matters. If it wasnt so late I would start "releasing" right now. LOL Maybe tomorrow, after all the kiddos are in school, I can come back on and just type away.......