Anti-Social....

That is me, these days. I can’t help it. Im seriously depressed. I have an appointment on Tuesday with a Psychiatrist…..hes gonna tell me what I already know…that im a frikin nutcase. I had the surgery on December 3rd….was in the hospital for a while….yada yada yada….you would think I would be excited about finally getting breasts again. I thought I would be to. Nope…..to much negative shit going on in my life to be happy about some stupid breasts. I feel like a failure as a mom…wife…woman. The root of it all…f’n money. I hate money. Probably because I dont have any! My husband works hard to just barely pay the bills….shit, half the time we have to make payment arrangements. We only have a christmas tree because My “soul momma” (heathers mom) sent us one. (She is such an amazing woman and my kids love her to pieces! “Soul Nana”).
I have $0.00 to buy gifts….so my kids already know that we wont be buying gifts this year. They were really understanding about it. My 6 year old gave me a hug and told me not to worry. She said “Santa will get us something, so its okay mama”. Yeah…. Which leads to another dilema…..I don’t even know how Im going to put “santa” gifts for the younger two under the tree. Its killing me inside right now. This past year has been hell for not only me…but for them….and they deserve to have some happiness at Christmas….but Nooooooo…..Once again, I can’t do shit for them. Im so tired of this same frickin song and dance. Always something holding me down….First it was the Cancer, the treatments. Now its still Cancer shit plus full blown Osteoparosis and Athritis of the Spine…..Fibromyalgia flaring……dealing with the chance of reoccurance and what to do about my bones…..5 surgeries in 1year and 2 months time! Damn! Im ready to just say “f*ck all the medicines and BS” and get back to some sort of normalcy. Seriously….my bones are all f’d up and if I stay on my “cancer med” its just gonna cause more bone loss….the Femara is at best only gonna buy me some extra time…..the Cancer is going to come back…so why not take my chances. Im doing my family no good being layed up because of all this. Im tired of meds…im tired of doctors….im tired of being angry or depressed all the time….Im tired off all the f’n scars (scars on the outside and the inside)and Im tired of not being able to provide for my kids. Everyone tells me that God wont give you more than you can handle…but Im really starting to think thats a load of BS! Because Im really beginning to lose it and I can’t handle this shit anymore…….

Dear God....

Dear God…..
I thank you so much for blessing me with my 4 beautiful children and my hardworking, loving husband. I thank you for allowing me to be here with them another day and keeping my cancer in remission. I thank you for keeping a roof over our head and clothes on my childrens back. I know we are not worthy of all this and I pray that you forgive us of our sins.
Lord, I come to you now asking that you continue to give me the strength to fight the depression that I dont understand. I pray you give me courage to continue to push through the pain. I pray that you continue to put your hand over my children and guide them, giving them strength and understanding to deal with the tough times ahead. I pray you continue to keep us together, strong as a family unit. I pray you continue to keep food on our table, lord, because its been hard trying to find the means to do so lately. Lord, I pray for quick healing so that I can go back to work….. my husband has been working so hard these days just to keep us in our home. I pray for a release of stress on him lord….I fear that his heart may faulter under all the stress. I pray to you, now, lord with my eyes overflowing with tears and I pray that you can help wipe them away.
In your wonderful and gracious name, I pray.
Amen

A lil psychotic

yeah…thats me, alright. Im a frickin body full of anxiety, bitchiness, tears, and everything else you can possibly think of…….Never mind the financial BS that is putting an awful curtain of tension through out my house or the physical BS that is limiting everything and anything I want to do….Now I have to be seperated from my family for 1-3 weeks, depending on how my surgery goes this coming Wednesday. Im going to be 3 f’n hours away from everyone, so I can pretty much count on being the patient that nurses pity cuz the patient gets absolutly NO visitors. I dont have an f’n cell phone so I cant call anyone, I got to wait for people to call me…..And before anyone says anything like “it was your choice to have this operation”, I already know this! But I wish the people that had that attitude could see what it feels like to live without breasts….live with these deflated expanders that barely come off the chest…hard as a frickin rock. Live with that for just one week….never mind a whole year and 2 months. People just dont get it….Im f’n broken….physically, mentally, emotionally, financially…..Im f’n broken…..cant anyone understand that? Im beginning to hate the f’n color pink…..Im f’n tired of what Cancer has done to me….I hate what Cancer can still do to me! I have had my breasts taken from me….Ive had my ovaries taken from me……I had my beautiful long hair taken from me….Ive had my spirit cut in half…..Only thing I gained in this whole f’n ordeal has been 60 f’n lbs! Just lovely…..Ive become an overweight, breastless, angry PERSON. Ive had my positive energy sucked right out of me……So….Yes, If they can give me just an inkling of some womanhood back…Im taking it….but it doesnt mean that I cant be worried, sad, scared, anxious…everything that I am right now…..

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