In a daze....

I've been walking around here for the past few days in a daze.  Walking around with that punched in the gut, broken hearted feeling all over me.  Once again, I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me......  I'm not sure how to deal with it.  I've been praying. Praying for this feeling to go away.  Praying for him to stop breaking my heart.  Praying that at some point I will be enough for him.....  This repetative cycle of betrayal is draining me. It's draining all of me....all that I wanted to be....  I'm not sure if I have any fight left in me.  Constantly fighting for my marriage, for love, for my life.  Fighting lies, deceit, pain, cancer. When can I stop fighting....when can I just BE?

Heather Headley - I Wish I Wasn't

The power of words....

I read this today.....

"Sometimes in life you’re faced with tremendous pressure, a pressure so unbelievable, so overwhelming that before you can enjoy the highs, you’re faced with the lows. God has a purpose and plan for your life and you, like Jesus, can ride through the biggest challenge of your life and rise victorious!"  ~T.D. Jakes

I needed to be reminded of that today. 

Yesterday.....

My JV boys lost last night.  I get so emotionaly charged at these games.  It broke my heart to watch them come apart.  My son had another amazing night though......and Im so proud of him.  I would like to see the team have another amazing night, though, too.  The first game of the season they won by a blow out....and they all just flowed together as a team.....The only thing I know to do to help....is pray.  So I have been.  Tonight, its off to Clover for the Varsity game.  Tonight, I pray, that not only does my son have a great night....but that the whole team does as well.  These boys deserve to have marks in the win column!

Almost Thursday......

Thursday is almost here. Why am I looking forward to Thursday?  Well, for anyone who knows me well, you know that watching my son play football is a big part of me keeping my sanity.  This year I get to watch him play in two games a week.  JV on Thursday....Varsity on Friday.   I am Big fan of  football.  An even bigger fan of my sons.  Put the two together.....I'm in Heaven! LOL  Don't get me wrong.  I am a huge fan of all my kids.  I love all of them with all that I am.  All four of them are my reason for living, for being.   But when I'm at his games....none of the stresses of my life are anywhere around.  There's no cancer.  No Fibromyalgia. No financial woes.  Just the smell of the grass.  The sound of the whistles.  The clapping of fans. The band playing.  My son on the field........

A new day.....

For so long now I have been angry, distressed, depressed and unsure of what my life has become. Im tired. Im tired of feeling this way. Im tired of feeling like I dont belong in this town and I dont fit in. Maybe, Im not suppossed to. I used to have a big beautiful house and a newer car. I owned my own business and money wasnt so tight......but none of that matters now. Ive come to realize that all those things did not make me who I am. To have suffered at the hands of physical, emotional, sexual abuse and rape  (all at a young age)..... and still be standing....thats part of who I am. Getting Cancer and continuing to fight it.....thats part of who I am. Having to close my business to fight this disease....leaving behind that fancy house and car....yet still being able to provide a loving home for my children....thats a part of who I am. To share in the loss of my husbands parents.....holding on to their memories and all they taught me.....thats a part of who I am. To have so many obstacles and hurdles in my marriage....yet still be together 18 years later....thats a part of who I am. To be able to walk another day....thats part of who I am. Having God in my life.....the biggest part of who I am.

I cant say that I will no longer have days were I may feel lost and alone....but when I do....I will come back to this post and be reminded of just who I am.

A wife, a mother, a fighter and a survivor..... A woman who now realizes that God loves me and has not only walked with me through all of this.....but he has carried me through it.

Wow.....

I havent been on here in FOREVER. It only took me about 2 hours to get logged back in. I couldnt remember my email I used....my password....even my username. I was starting to tweak. LOL So much has happened since I was last on here. I dont even know where to begin. I do know that I am happy to finally be logged back on. Writing on this blog was so good for me and I think maybe its time I get back to doing it. It doesnt even matter if anyone reads it. It's just having a place to release that really matters. If it wasnt so late I would start "releasing" right now. LOL Maybe tomorrow, after all the kiddos are in school, I can come back on and just type away.......