That is me, these days. I can’t help it. Im seriously depressed. I have an appointment on Tuesday with a Psychiatrist…..hes gonna tell me what I already know…that im a frikin nutcase. I had the surgery on December 3rd….was in the hospital for a while….yada yada yada….you would think I would be excited about finally getting breasts again. I thought I would be to. Nope…..to much negative shit going on in my life to be happy about some stupid breasts. I feel like a failure as a mom…wife…woman. The root of it all…f’n money. I hate money. Probably because I dont have any! My husband works hard to just barely pay the bills….shit, half the time we have to make payment arrangements. We only have a christmas tree because My “soul momma” (heathers mom) sent us one. (She is such an amazing woman and my kids love her to pieces! “Soul Nana”).
I have $0.00 to buy gifts….so my kids already know that we wont be buying gifts this year. They were really understanding about it. My 6 year old gave me a hug and told me not to worry. She said “Santa will get us something, so its okay mama”. Yeah…. Which leads to another dilema…..I don’t even know how Im going to put “santa” gifts for the younger two under the tree. Its killing me inside right now. This past year has been hell for not only me…but for them….and they deserve to have some happiness at Christmas….but Nooooooo…..Once again, I can’t do shit for them. Im so tired of this same frickin song and dance. Always something holding me down….First it was the Cancer, the treatments. Now its still Cancer shit plus full blown Osteoparosis and Athritis of the Spine…..Fibromyalgia flaring……dealing with the chance of reoccurance and what to do about my bones…..5 surgeries in 1year and 2 months time! Damn! Im ready to just say “f*ck all the medicines and BS” and get back to some sort of normalcy. Seriously….my bones are all f’d up and if I stay on my “cancer med” its just gonna cause more bone loss….the Femara is at best only gonna buy me some extra time…..the Cancer is going to come back…so why not take my chances. Im doing my family no good being layed up because of all this. Im tired of meds…im tired of doctors….im tired of being angry or depressed all the time….Im tired off all the f’n scars (scars on the outside and the inside)and Im tired of not being able to provide for my kids. Everyone tells me that God wont give you more than you can handle…but Im really starting to think thats a load of BS! Because Im really beginning to lose it and I can’t handle this shit anymore…….
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I think that you have every right to be angry.
Life has had enough ups and downs lately. It must feel as though you will never catch a break, huh??
I wish there was something I could do...not much anyone can do, I am sure.
Thinking of you....
So, here is the deal. You know how much I love ya, how we couldn't be closer if we were actually blood related(sometimes, I'm glad we aren't, we didn't have a whole childhood to grow to resent eachother). You also know I am here for you no matter where you are at. Whether, you want to chat for hours on end or just listen to eachother breathe over the line to know we both aren't alone.
I love you to the moon and back. Call me tomorrow, even if its just to let me know how the appt went.
xoxox
I dont know you at all. I saw your link on one of my friends blogs, and thought I would check out her followers that I dont know. Whether or not you will read this anytime soon, I wanted to send you a little "chin up".
While I have not been through everything you have, and likewise; interestingly, I have been through much of it.
In 2001 I lost my mom to Breast Cancer, and have watched 3 of her sisters fall ill and survive. In 2004, just as we decided we were going to go against doctors orders and try for another baby we found out I had cervical cancer, and that I had 17 precancerous tumors in my fallopian tubes. As we were planning our next baby, we prepared for a complete and radical hysterectomy. I was 33.
I went through horrible depression, taking 3 different meds to just get through the day. I then took sleeping pills to forget.
After my mom was diagnosed she did genetic testing. She was a BRCA2 carrier. As am I. I have two daughters - one is 20, one is 11. I also have a son who is 6. I have a 50% chance of passing the gene on to them. My oldest will be tested next year (they recommend not testing until 21). It scares the daylights out of me that I may have passed this on to them.
I have resigned myself that I need to plan for a double M soon. Several times we considered it NOW rather than later. But then I started having kidney problems, and all other things got moved to the back burner. In the middle of now 5 kidney surgeries since November of 2007, I also spent 9 days with my 6 year old (then 5) at Childrens Hospital not knowing if he had Leukemia. It turned out to be a blood disease that I have, but his was said to be idiopathic, which hopefully means he will not have another relapse - ever.
But it too sent me into a tail spin. Financially we are wrecked as well. I also have Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis, now teamed with chronic kidney stones and massive scar tissue on one, we too have maxxed out our medical bills - to the tune of 15K in 2008.
Everytime I see a story on the news about the economy I want to barf. Because while it is hard enough on people who are only dealing with day to day finances, adding in medical issues and expenses is enough to not only break your wallet, but also your soul. How do you choose between suffering, or struggling to feed your family? How do you choose between a trip to the ER and a trip to the grocery store?
Its impossible. I get it.
So I say to you, keep your chin up, and know that there is someone out here on blog land who understands - to a point - what is going on.
Comisserate anytime to me.
Take care!
Post a Comment